Hey, sexy.
Hey.
Wow. When you say things like "hey, sexy,"
and you see who answers, that's a great self-esteem test.
That won't work. Hey, dummy.
Yeah? Yo, I heard you call me from out back.
Wow, a twofer.
You can really tell who is a morning person and who is not.
Me, I wake up ready to seize the day.
I'm like, come on, day! I gotcha!
She literally shoots awake like this. "Hello!"
Then she pelts me with questions
like "Why do you eat so many carbs?
What's an aardvark?
Do you think we'll ever live in London?" No. Got to know.
Andy seems like he would be a morning person.
♪ Guilty ♪
And that's for the rest of my life.
Ellie is not a morning person... or a night person.
Well, there's really only, like, seven minutes during the day
that you are fun to be around.
The best part is you never know when they're coming. Not now.
Okay.
Trav wakes up happy.
Maybe because sometimes he sleepwalks
and he gets frisky with weird stuff. Remember?
It started when he was 12 with our Christmas tree.
Oh, he went to town on that thing.
Ooh, I love Christmas.
I hate that I just did that.
Since I grew up in foster homes, I wake up swinging.
It comes in pretty handy, though,
if I'm in some strange guy's house.
I'm like... "Back off, dude!"
You should write that down for when you have a daughter.
Ellie! Stan's crying for you!
Oh, that's right. You have a kid.
What?! Seriously? She does not.
No, she does. Bye, losers.
Bye! Later.
Why did I answer?
Okay, so we read four books. We played trains.
Now here's your coloring book, sweetie,
and mommy is gonna be right...
Over... here.
Wow. Men start being needy so young.
Grayson's still like that.
But instead of letting him nuzzle up with my boobs,
I let him...No, it's the same thing.
He dives right in like he owns the place. That's bad.
Luckily, Stan spends a lot of time with the nanny
while we get to pound grape. That's my new slang.
I like it. You love it? No.
You guys always joke that I'm not with Stan.
Every day I'm awake at least 12 hours.
I spend three hours with you,
five minutes with the bald guy who shares my bathroom,
and the rest of the time is with Stan.
That is a crap-ton of mommy time.
You don't know how hard it is.
Oh, come on. Travis was a baby once, too.
Jules, you had Travis in your 20s.
You had tons of energy, and plus, you were too dumb
- to worry you were screwing up your kid for life. - I was so dumb.
I used to let him use my pill bottle as a rattle.
Having a baby in your 40s is exhausting,
and people will judge you if you keep a sippy cup full of wine
in the stroller so you can pound grape. Ha! I knew you loved it.
I do. Look, when I had Travis,
I was a scared, broke kid, and Bobby was never around.
But you're saying that it's harder now
with a nanny and a devoted husband.
Thank you so much for understanding.
Wow. Okay.
You know, all that "morning people" talk
made me think, since Smith and I broke up,
I have not woken up once next to some random guy
that I just met the night before.
Feels like that shouldn't make a woman sad.
Well, you just gotta get back out there, girl.
You need to go hit it and quit it.
Toot it and boot it. Whip it and skip it.
Wax it and tax it. Mother it and smother it.
Bop it and drop it.
Chuck it and... rechuck it.
Yours don't make any sense.
All right. I'm doing it! Oh! I just...
I really need a wingman. Can't be my friend Tina.
She's super pregnant
and doesn't wanna have another baby in a club.
You know, I've never been a wingman. Let me do this.
Done and done. Tomorrow night it is on.
It's so on... if Ellie says it's on.
It may not be on. Oh.
Hey, Bobby, what time are you
picking me up for golf tomorrow? 5:30 in the A.M.
Yeah, I need to practice for that PGA tourney.
They let me on this great course for free if I get there before 6:00.
It's an amazing opportunity.
Cool. How many times have you gone?
None. Can't get up. Keep hitting the snooze button.
But I got dog Travis on it now.
♪ I'm on your team ♪
♪ But I never know when you're not ♪
Snooze.
♪ You never tell anything to me ♪
Snooze.
♪ But only for a while, of course ♪
♪ You never use words you can't afford ♪
♪ A house of cards and it's a sign ♪
Where are you going? Oh, right, golf.
Should I learn to play golf? Do we do enough together?
Why don't we ever use my jacuzzi?
♪ So wait up ♪
♪ You never get nervous anymore ♪
♪ What did you want me to say? ♪
Ugh.
I'm up.
Mama!
You should buy that thing breakfast.
♪ Inside the lines, gotta catch 'em in a paper cup ♪
Come on, man. We can still make it.
Ohh! Hey, coming through! Coming through, baby!
Coming through! Coming through!
Sorry, Bobby. It's 6:05. I can't let you on. Bob... Bob...
Bobby. Bobby!
Ohh! Whoa.
Whoo! Did I win?
Nobody won. Nobody won.
Why won't you let Laurie be Andy's wingman?
Did Andy ask you to change my mind? No.
Tell her I'll take embarrassing photos of drunk Laurie for her.
Yeah, and tell her that I'll get, like, jury duty drunk.
What are you looking at?
Nothing.
Hey, hottie. Hey.
Why didn't I say anything?
Oh, I was actually talking to the mirror.
You look good wet, playboy. Yeah, I know this.
If there is a ridiculous Cuban hiding over there,
you can tell him that it's fine if he wants to go dancing
with tramp face tonight.
Thanks, baby!
Yeah, me, too!
I will stay home and do a dance...
the dance of motherhood.
You're not the first person to raise a kid.
Women have been doing this for hundreds of years.
Thousands.
You really think you could handle Stan for one night?
I could do it without a nanny
and both hands tied behind my back.
That was fast. Oh, he needs to be changed.
Hey, Laurie, will you grab me a diaper?
Laurie? Where the hell did you go?
I'm happy to stay and help.
The deal was no nanny. Now if you'll just hold him
while I put this dangerous stuff into the pantry...
It takes, like, five things to light it.
No, it's n-not safe. Okay.
Why does your pantry lock from the inside?
Well, when Travis went away,
I turned it into a pantry/safe room.
You know, there's enough tuna and Merlot to last me two weeks.
But where would I pee?
Oh. I'll just go in the empty bottles. Yay.
Ellie wrote down emergency numbers. And here's his epipen.
He's allergic to everything on Ellie's list.
He's allergic to Telemundo?
I think that's more for me.
Oh, it's almost Stan's bath time.
Careful. When he gets wet, he gets a little mean.
Rosa, I'm great with kids.
You know, my son almost made honor roll... twice.
I'm a bit of a Mary Poppins.
Hell, yeah. I'll get someone to cover for me,
especially if you're talking...
About a little afternoon action.
Action... bath upstairs. He loves the water.
This is why men cheat.
I can't believe I missed golf again today.
It's my own fault for having that snoozeburger around.
Look, you don't have to work on this all day.
Hey, you're my boy.
If there's anything I can help you with,
- I'm jumping in whether you asked me to or not. - Thanks.
So what you up to this weekend? You staying in,
or you gonna take your laundry hamper out on the town?
Terrific. Who else did Kevin e-mail that video to?
Oh, Trav.
Now that he's dry,
maybe we can cut little Wolverine's nails.
Oh, my gosh.
No. Where... where you goin'?
Well, go get him.
This is our crazy night out? A wine bar?
I practiced my club call.
♪ Whoo-whoo ♪
Hey. Not here.
Sorry.
Just wait. Once a month,
they turn this whole Plaza into a club. It's sick!
Last year, my friend Nezzie got trampled.
But it's okay. The county paid for her to get metal legs. Okay.
Do you remember your wingman rules?
When you're dancing alone,
I stand behind you and go, "damn!"
Yes, because ass worship is contagious.
And the most important rule?
My night's not done till you get some.
Whoo!
Hi. It's such a gorgeous night.
I have no kid, Wayne. Shiraz me.
Laurie, you are rockin' those jeans. Huh, girlfriend?
Why is it being nice?
Are these the golden seven minutes?
Boo, I love you so much.
They are! All right, wingman.
It's time.
Where'd they come from?
Sweetie, hold my hand, and let's kiss a little.
Oh, I am so sorry, Laurie,
but when Ellie's like this, I have to... Too late. Not now.
Let's dance.
Hey, mom. Shh!
Grayson thinks I'm looking for Stan's pacifier. Hello.
Found it! Hey, stinky pants.
Hey. Can't believe you're hiding.
Ellie was right. This is harder in your 40s.
I mean, I'm exhausted,
and when you were a baby, I was too dumb to care.
I used to tell you to go hide, and instead of looking for you,
I'd watch TV and call my girlfriends.
Well, that explains my deep distrust towards women.
Don't ever lose that, buddy. It's a gift.
Stan should be sleeping now, but genius here
gave him chocolate-covered espresso beans.
I thought they were raisins.
And I wanted him to like me.
How are we gonna tire him out without having
to chase him around the neighborhood?
I can build him a play area,
remember, Trav, like we did last year,
huh? Oh, no, thank you. No, thank you.
Careful. He's got his mother's talons.
Is anyone in more hell than me?
Laurie, where are you?
No way.
I am all about acoustics. Pinot?
Oh.
Car's fixed.
Sweet!
What's with the mirror? When the 5:00 A.M. sun
hits the bad boy here to go through that window there...
And hits right on the "x,"
waking me.
What if the pillow moves?
You know, I could just come wake you up.
I need to do this on my own, Trav.
Oh, is this one of those times when you take something tiny
and then say how it means something more profound?
My failure to wake up shows how I blow all my chances
for a better life. Yeah, I called it.
Can you name another person who gets in his own way
more than I do? Gary Busey.
True. Still, I have to walk this road alone, son.
You know what, Doug?
I am pissed that they just played a Miley Cyrus song,
and everyone knew the lyrics! I gotta go!
Excuse me!
Too much body spray. Aah!
Sorry I bailed. It was too much.
I get why you didn't like it.
But, Andy, why didn't I?
It has all of my favorite things...
Sticky floors, shiny shirts,
weird, rich Russian dudes who say...
You want to make dance with me?
You were in love with Smith.
You got a taste of something real,
so from now on, going out to clubs looking for one-nighters
isn't gonna cut it. You don't know what you're talking about.
Fine. Go back out there. Yeah, I will.
Paid the bouncer 20 bucks to let me take my shirt off.
Wayne... give me my Pinot.
Way ahead of you.
Well, I'm already happier now that I've dressed you two
in matching jammies.
Plus behold the world's best baby fort.
Looks more like a baby prison.
It's an inescapable fort, like Alcatraz.
So you guys having fun over there?
You better believe it.
We're just sitting back relaxing
while he plays in his baby prison.
Fort. Baby fort.
Better be careful. That kid's like Houdini.
He can get out of anything.
We're fine.
That kid ain't going nowhere.
Oh! He locked it!
That was so cool. What do you have in there?
Oh, nothing. Just, you know, all my knives,
a half a bottle of Merlot, and a push-button fire machine.
Stan! Stan! Stan, come out!
Come on, baby! Unlock it!
So how's it going with Stan?
Who's Stan? Boom.
That's how easy it is. I forgot he even exists.
Is that blood?
Excuse me. I have a roast in the oven.
What?! It's okay, it's okay. It's red wine.
Ohh. Well, no! That's still bad!
He's holding a jar of peanut butter.
Is that on his allergy of death list?
Okay, listen. If he opens that jar,
you break that door down and stab him with this.
I don't wanna stab a baby. Wimp!
H... Yes? 9-1-1? Hi. Um, uh, there may be an emergency.
Um, I'm not sure yet. Can you just hold on a second?
He put it down. False alarm, fellas.
I knew you'd never make a roast.
Hey, new milestone. Stan knows how to lock doors now.
Stannie...
You want a goldfish cracker?
Well, come here! There you go.
Well, I could've bribed him, but I'm a good mom.
Oh, really? Yeah.
I used to love clubs like that.
Now they suck.
I don't know who I am anymore.
So you're done going to crappy clubs
and hopping into bed with guys.
It means you're growing up. Plus it reduces the odds
of you being randomly murdered by, like, half.
I guess.
Think of how horrible it was
to wake up in some strange apartment,
wearing yesterday's clothes
and you have to do the walk of shame.
I used to love that walk.
All the judgmental looks that I got from people
made me feel alive.
It wasn't a walk of shame. It was a walk of awesome!
What am I supposed to do now, Andy?
Meet someone great, get married, and have a couple of kids?
Blech. What's the point of life then?
That kinda is the point of life.
Want a coffee?
Get me a largey soy extra cap...
Dude.
It's only 9:30. Pretty weak.
And it's contagious.
All right, no snoozeburgers tomorrow, buddy.
But... I'll dab on a little b-b-q sauce,
and when that alarm goes off,
I really want you to get in there and wake me.
Nighty night. Ahh.
Oh. Ahh!
Get the cracker, Stan.
Look how he goes for the big ones.
He's not a duck.
What are you doing?
I'm eating a big bite of "I was right" steak.
Mmm! But it needs something.
Maybe a nice glass of 1985 "suck it."
Ahh. So smooth.
Fine. Having a baby is harder
when you're 100 years old like you.
Thank you.
Mmm, mmm. So good.
What you got going on there,
dime-eyes? A big bowl of "we can do this."
Mm-hmm. Mmm! Come on. It's just one night.
No. And I hate mime.
Well, now that you know the cracker trick,
you can do anything. Fish crackers aren't that powerful.
Stan. Ooh!
Put your shirt on for a cracker.
We can do this. Yeah.
Your friend's got it all wrong, by the way.
Sorry. I was totally eavesdropping.
I don't know. Maybe my dad was right.
I think my days of cheesy clubs are over.
No more trolling for one night strange.
I still hook up, and I never go out anymore.
I just go to that pub for food, here for coffee,
and my place.
How about you?
Same. Pub for food, here for coffee,
and... your place?
Who's your friend?
Uh... no names. Thanks, dad.
Thanks, sir.
Ooh, that's my frap-cap. Paid $3.75!
Why won't he sleep?
Crackers aren't working.
Are you tired of Florida? Should we live in London?
What is a flat?
You were asleep a tenth of a second.
How'd you do that? I don't know.
That's it. I'm getting Ellie.
No, no, no, no. Come on. Don't give up.
We can really do this.
That is so annoying.
Why do you care so much?
Because...
Listen.
He's out.
Oh, my God! We did it! We did it. Mmm.
Ohh. The rest of the night is ours.
What time is it?
It's only... 5:00 A.M.
Snooze sauce.
♪ I never know the state that you're in ♪
Wh...
Ohh. Yeah!
Trav. Told you, I need to do this alone. But you're my dad,
and if there's something I can help you with,
then I'm jumping in, whether you asked me to or not.
Look at you, using my own words against me.
Let me help you with your clubs and, uh...
Dad!
What? Yes. Thank you.
♪ It feels right ♪
♪ Inside you're so warm ♪
♪ Your arms ♪
♪ Open up ♪
♪ To the sunrise ♪
Whew.
♪ To the sunrise ♪
♪ 'Cause I want you to know ♪
Ahh.
♪ That I do ♪
♪ 'Cause I want you to know ♪
♪ That I don't ♪
♪ 'Cause I want you to know ♪
Ooh, yeah.
♪ That I don't ♪
♪ 'Cause I want you to know ♪
Oh! I'm back!
Don't be so hard on yourself. You have nothing to prove.
You're a great mom to Travis. Oh.
Wait. Why are you being so sweet to me?
No way. This is your seven minutes, isn't it?
Don't tell Andy. He'll come over here and start pawing. Shh, shh.
Oh. Honestly, I have to tell you, last night was great.
It really made me realize
how glad I am to be done with babies.
Isn't this little turkey great?
Yeah. I can't wait to have a kid.
When we get married, I'll just get him a dog. Well...
No, no, ah! I'm too tired. Well...
Stop it. I need wine.
Ohh!
All right, wake me up when I get to my next shot.
Why do I have to drive? I'm tired, too.
Shh. Just wake me when we get to my next shot.
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